I'm pretty sure shipping is illegal
by aewea
Summary: Selecting different characters from Merlin,Supernatural, Harry potter, Doctor who and Teen Wolf and putting them in a DADA class with Umbridge probably wasn't the best idea I've ever had, but hey, give it a chance. (If you've already read chapter 2 of dead kings do not simply, then skip chapter one.) CRACK
1. Chapter 1

**Dead kings do not simply , knock on your front door**

But they're damn useful If you want to get out of a boring class

summery : Screw the whole shipping thing, The next time he was bored he would just call kilgharrah

Pairing(s) : Everyone/Merlin, Merthur

(Ok so I honestly have no idea what the hell I'm doing and it's nothing like the first chapter but guys, plz, review.

And sorry for the mistakes.

I own nothing)

Thanks to every one who reviewed.I love u the best

============Idon'tevenknow===========

Merlin was bored.

Like 'I-wonder-If -banging-my-head-against-the-wall-will-kill-me-oh-no-wait-I'm-immortal.' bored.

And it was all thanks to this stupid class and a teacher that really wasn't making staying awake easy for him.

The woman, professor Umbrella - or maybe Professor Bridge - was standing in front of the class, ' _hem hem'_ ing and pointing a stick at anyone who dared to do as much as breath _ Which was really impressive since the 'Rude people who breath ' club contained a large group of people including anyone other than Merlin -who was trying to be creative and kill himself by not breathing - and a blond boy named Dean that had already died about half an hour ago. _ because of boredom, that strange guy _, the doctor_ , had said.

Anyway, she was trying to convince them that some historical event had occurred in the exact opposite way it actually had and Merlin and the half of the class that weren't already asleep or dead were giving her 'You-know-you-would-look-a-little-less-stupid-If-you-closed-your-mouth.' looks.

Of course, the stupid toad didn't seem to be getting that.

Another 10 minutes into the class and Merlin was seriously considering calling kilgharrah, making him dragon - breath the wall and creating a super powerful wall that could kill the immortal.

Then he could bang his head against it until he died and no longer worry about fate, returning prats who were really taking their sweet time and not-so-young, white dragons that squawked about something called _Merthur_ and called themselves a fangirl.

Now, _that_ would be a creative way to die.

He took a deep breath _ And wow, the look that was sent his way was sharper than Merdrerd's damn sword._ and readied himself to roar in that strange dragon language of his when- Someone throw a crumbled paper at him.

He blinked.

' _what in the_ _name of Camelot_ _-?'_

Groaning, he picked up the paper and instantly felt something change.

' _Magic…_ ' His eyes widened with realization. But no. It wasn't magic. It felt… different. Lighter somehow.

He opened the paper.

" _Have Faith."_

 _\- Castiel, Angel of the Lord (Or the Lord himself, Depending on the season you are currently watching.)_

 _P.S: Some of my sisters ( and Charlie and Meg) ship Merthur too._

Confused, Merlin looked up to find deep blue eyes staring at him.

Now, you see, when people pass –throw- you notes in the middle of a class you have no idea what you're doing at and tell you to have faith when you're just about to kill-but not really- yourself, there are a bunch of questions that you might need to ask them. Things like 'Who the hell are you?', 'What on earth do you mean by 'Season you are currently watching'?' and 'How can you read my bloody thoughts?!' and Merlin had every intention to ask all of the above, but, when he opened his mouth – or more like his mental freaky link to another magical being- there was only one thing that he could chock out.

" _What the hell is a Merthur?" He sent a mental wave of question marks the angle's way._

" _I'm not sure." Castiel answered. "But I think it's the product of a disease that somehow unables people from spelling correctly." He looked at him with sympathy. "It has happened to me too. Some people keep spelling my name as 'Destiel' . "_

A pale faced scrawny guy snorted and his friend elbowed him in the ribs.

Both the sorcerer and the angle gave them a questioning look.

"I'm sorry for his behavior. " Mr. Friend gave them an apologetic smile. "And I totally sympathize with you there .Those fangirls are scary." He shuddered.

Merlin was dump-founded "How-?"

"Oh, how did I know what you were talking about?" He seemed a little sheepish. "Well, I didn't. Sherlock did and he was the one who told me. " He shrugged . " You know, super intelligence and all."

The Sherlock guy snorted again. -Merlin was beginning to think that it was the only thing he could do.- "Oh, please. It didn't need super intelligence to figure out that you two were having a mental conversation about those stupid things that those clearly insane fans call 'Ship'." He rolled his eyes. " And you John , If you had paid attention for just a second , would have figured it out. "

His friend –John- didn't even glance at him. "Anyway, I'm sorry but I have to tell you. Those… _things_ are not the results of any kind of disease- "

"Oh, it is a disease alright!" another teen with hazel eyes and brown hair muttered. "There's no other way to justify 'Sterek' ."

Merlin wasn't even shocked this time. "And, how did _you_ exactly find out what we were talking about?"

"I searched the net." He gave him a 'duh' look.

"You searched the net? Are mental conversations between angles and warlocks usually classified as things you can find in a website?"

The kid grinned at them. "I have mad Google skills." He winked. "The name is Stiles, By the way."

John sighted. "See, I don't like those ships any more than any of you do. Like, Johnlock? Really?! "

The Doctor jumped in. "I know, right? I mean why would they pair me with that walking sex machine and sadistic mad-man of all people?"

A boy with round glasses and a lightening shaped scar rolled his eyes. "Oh, please Doctor. You have it easy. You're the only one whose fandom's main ship isn't a gay one."

The previously dead guy _ Dean? _ shook his head. "At least they don't ship you with your own fucking brother."

"Weren't you dead, like, one second ago?" Merlin asked him.

"Well, yeah , I came back. " He turned to a tall guy who was busy typing on a laptop. "Your girlfriends said hi Sammy."

Sammy nodded "Next time tell them I miss them. "He looked thoughtful for a second. "Or maybe I should pay them a visit myself? Hm… Let's go piss Lucy and Michael off. That way I can die sometime this week and then chuck will have to bring me back to stop the end of the world. again. "

"He came back from death. " Merlin repeated dumbly.

"He tends to do that." Castiel nodded.

"Yeah, sure, why not." He shrugged.

The Sherlock guy snorted. _Again_.

Merlin scowled. Jeez, kids this days! Thinking they know it all and with absolutely no respect for their elders. Well, unless you taught them…

An evil grin broke the sorcerer's face. Perhaps a meeting with Dragoon the great would do that cocky little kid some good.

It had worked on his old friends after all.

The warlock's eyes softened.

He missed the old, grumpy warlock. Being Dragoon was fun - well, no , cranky bones and aching limbs were not fun. But insulting Uther, getting Piggy backs from Arthur and angering the knights certainly was.

Oh, the day he had confronted them at the woods...That certainly had been a good laugh _ Or more like ,it _could_ have had been a good laugh , If he wasn't busy stopping himself from murdering his best friend. _He still remembered it as clear as day.

" _Ah. Gentlemen. What a pleasant surprise."_ He had said .

" _I wish we could say the same thing. Move away from the horse. Please."_ Leon certainly hadn't seemed like someone who was about to laugh.

" _What lovely manners. I do admire a man who says "please"."_

Of course , the knights had not been as nearly amused with him and his trouble as he was _Which they had made quite clear _ And had tried to arrest him and bring him to Arthur .

" _Now"_

And it had started.

Despite Dragoon's sharp tongue and his attempts of convincing himself that if they knew the truth they wouldn't act like that , the exchange of words had hurt .After all , those 'ignorant fools' as his 80 years old self had come up with were his friends , and they were labeling him as a traitor because of the stupid magic he had never asked for .

" _You escaped the flames once, you won't escape again."_

Oh and had that _burn._

" _I'm a good mind to run you through right now."_

He would pick a sword over the wild, angry flames any day – but no thanks.

" _Are you threatening the life of our king?"_

Well, he _had been_ threatening Arthur's life at that time but hey, cut him some slack, It wasn't like he had asked for a disgusting fomorroh in his neck!

" _Are you sure this is the right classroom?"_

And he didn't have anything to do with any classroom-

Merlin blinked.

What in the name of Camelot? He didn't remember that specific line being said.

"Yes Gwaine. For the last time, I am." A feminine voice _Gwen's voice_ answered.

What? But how? Even If at that time Gwaine had just randomly decided to ask about _classrooms_ Gwen couldn't have answered him.

Because Gwen couldn't know the answer.

Because Gwen didn't know what a classroom was.

BECAUSE GWEN HADN'T BEEN THERE.

Merlin's eyes snapped to the door.

"So what are waiting for?" Elyan's voice asked.

"I think we should at least wait for Arthur. " The female one _Was it really Gwen?_ answered.

"Are telling me that I have to wait for princess to get back from his impossibly long trip to the bathroom? Why is he taking so much time anyway? " Ok, _that_ was Gwaine

"Well, He spent five thousand years being a dead-king under a lake … He probably drank a lot of water." Percival stated helpfully.

Gwaine ignored Elyan and Percival's silent 'Can you be dead and drink water?' and 'Only If you are a king ' exchange and raised his voice. "Exactly! I haven't seen my friend in five thousand years and I surly am not going to wait for Arthur to get his royal backside here so I can go in."

"He's right .And It's probably a good thing that Arthur isn't here Because one look at his king and Merlin is going to forget all about us." He heard Lancelot chuckle before the door opened and a group of chainmail wearing young men and a woman in a purple dress walked into the room.

Merlin tried to blink away tears as he stared at his long lost friends.

He failed miserably.

"Uh! Merlin! There he is." Percival cried and before he could open his mouth, he found himself hanging 2 feet of the ground and being hugged to death by the bear sized knight . "It has been such a long time since the las-" the knight paused with a frown . "Have you always been this light?" He asked as he hold Merlin at arm length.

Embarrassed, Merlin struggled to get out of the man's grip. "For the sake of Avalon! Put me down Percival!"

Naturally, He was ignored .

"Seriously Merlin, I'm pretty sure you weren't this scrawny the last time I saw you. "Elyan said as he poked his cheekbone.

"And I'm pretty sure that you aren't supposed to be this pale." Leon frowned. "Or have rings as dark as those under your eyes. Especially considering that we are the ones that were dead until half an hour ago."

"I'm fine! Now please put me down." Again, nobody paid him any attention.

Lancelot scowled at him at the same time as Gwen "You had promised me to take care of yourself!"

"I said I'm fine!" He snapped. "Now put me down before I decide to turn you all to fro- Hey! What are you doing?!" He let out a totally-not-girly-squeal as Gwaine left his shirt up.

"For the- I can count your ribs mate!" Gwaine gasped. "Seriously what were you trying to do? Starve yourself to death?"

"What? No!" Merlin tried not to squirm under their heavy gaze. "Firstly, I can't starve myself to death because I _can't_ die and beside, why would I even try? "

"So why do you look like you could pass out any minute-?"

"You're as white as sheet mate."

"When was the last time you ate?"

"I told you to take care of your sel-"

"Hey, stop harassing my idiot of a manservant."

Merlin froze.

"Look who's back!" Gwaine grinned. "Took your time, didn't you princess? I though you've left us and decided to elope with the bathroom. "

"Ha Ha . Very funny Sir Gwaine." Arthur rolled his eyes.

"Did you really drink water while you were dead Sire?" Elyan asked.

"What?" Arthur gave him a funny look ."

"I told him that dead-kings can drink water." Percival explained as he put the astonished warlock back on the ground.

The blond stared at them for a while before rolling his eyes and bringing his attention back to Merlin . "Well? Aren't you going to greet your king , _Mer_ lin? "

The raven fought with the urge to break down and start sobbing right there and then. Arthur , his king ,his destiny , his _friend_ , was standing right there , smirking that stupid smirk of his and shinning with all of his kingly glory .

"Ar-Arthur?"

"Who did you expect idiot?" His friend teased with a small smile on his lips.

"Oh my god-"

"Come here , _Mer_ lin ." The king rolled his eyes .

Merlin nearly ran toward his friend with every intention to hug the life out of him when he found his feet dangling above the floor for the second time that day.

"Hmm… They're right Merlin. You're too light." Said the frowning prat before lifting him even higher . "And I don't need to lift your shirt to count your ribs. They're cutting into my chainmail."

"See that Cas?" In the corner of the classroom dean Winchester pointed at the miserable warlock and his king as he bit into his apple pie . "That's what we call a ' _Merthur_ ' "

"And It's totally gonna be canon." Gwen squealed as she magically changed her dress into a pair of torn jeans and a purple dress that said 'Merthur shipper #1' .

"Could you get this out of my classroom?!" The toad ,who had finally gotten out of the ropes that had tied her to the chair and kept her mouth shut for the better part of this fanfic - thanks to a kid named Gabe or something - shrieked

Merlin silently wondered If he should summon kilgharrah after all .

======I'mSorry=====No=====ActuallyI'mNot=======

So it was all kinds of crazy…sorry for the crappy chapter . PLZ review .

(I'm probably going to re-write this chapter later from Dean's do u think?)


	2. Chapter 2

**Dead Kings Do not simply, Knock on your front door**

But Let's forget about …. Thing and change the Pov!

Summery: Dean was dead, the shipping thing was stupid and Death liked his tea.

Pairing(s): Destiel, Sabriel, mentions of: Merthur, Sterek, Darry, Johnlock, Jack/Doc

~~~~G~~~~~~

Dean Winchester was bored.

Like 'I-wonder-If -banging-my-head-against-the-wall-will-kill-me-oh-no-wait-I'm-already-dead' bored.

and he was also dead.

"What are you waiting for? Eat." Oh yeah, did he mention that he was forced to have a fucking tea party with death and his rippers? "I had to go back in time to get this cherry cake. It's quite delicious ." Because he was.

"Uh…Sure, why not." God, this day sucked.

"So, Dean, where are we going this time?" Tessa pulled out a map out of thin air. "Hell? Heaven? Purgatory? "She asked. "You shouldn't have any problem getting in any of those. Here, Hell even sent you tickets and a letter promising a good time with an 'uncomfortable as hell' sleep while hanging by the chains and 'long, hot showers in blood'." She handed him a piece of…was that human skin?

"Or you could just stay here, enjoy your cake and wait for that angle of yours to bring you back to life." Death sipped his tea. "It's not like you're going to stay dead for long and Tessa and I do enjoy your company."

"How did you die anyway?" Tessa licked her jam covered fingers.

"That bitch murdered me." Dean Pointed at the pink, ugly monster standing in front of the class.

The ripper raised her eyebrows at him.

"Anyway" Dean waved her off. "I sure as hell ain't gonna stay here. One more look at that toad and I might go all ' _Vengeful_ _Spirit'_ crap on her."

"Uh-huh" Death gave him another piece of cake.

"And I'm not going to Purgatory either. Finding that portal would be a bitch." He said with his mouth full.

"and hell?" Tessa sure seemed to like sending him there. He wondered If this was about the time he had accidently killed her with the first blade.

"Hell no dude! I don't need another hand print burned on my body! Who knows where Cas'll decide to grab me this time? We're visiting heaven."

"You're no fun."

"I'm hilarious. "He retorted. "So? Any one gonna walk me there?"

"I believe you know the way by now. "Death didn't even lift his head.

Shrugging, the hunter grabbed his leather jacket. "See you later then." He turned to leave.

"Hey! Dean-o!" And If he didn't know that damn voice… "Can I eat the rest of your cake?" The arch-angle's voice turned hopeful.

~~~~~~~~don'taskmeidon'tknoweither~~~~~~

Sam was bored.

Like 'I-wonder-If -banging-my-head-against-the-wall-will-kill-me-oh-no-wait-I'm-a-freagin-winchester-I –don't-know-how-to-stay-dead' bored.

And It was all thanks to Cas.

He and his brother had spent the last two weeks travelling around, trying to stop the apocalypse for the third time this year before the damn angle had suddenly appeared before them , Said hello to dean and zapped them to an ancient looking castle _ Which Sam would have loved to visit, If Satan wasn't busy following him around and constantly asking for his hand because 'They could build their very own personal hell near a lake filled with blood and dance to the screams of the damned as the world burned around them.'_ where something called a 'crossover' was going on and an old man called Dumb-bell-door Or Dumponzel as Dean liked to call him – "Dude, have you seen his beard?! We should just ask him to let it down and then Adam can climb out of the cage!" _ went around offering people lemon drops .

Then, as if it wasn't enough, He and a bunch of other teenagers –Who insisted that they weren't really teenagers but were actually adults who were de-aged much like him and his brother - had been forced to sit through this torture that was called DADA -seriously? _dada_?- and listen to a pink woman go on and on about 'the ministry of magic' , 'inappropriate teachers ' and some boys that apparently lied .

Seeing that none of that had anything to do with him, he had zoned out and started playing X and O with Lucy when his brother had suddenly grabbed his shoulder.

"She's not human Sammy." He'd mumbled. "She's not even looking at me, but I can feel life leaving my body."

"What is she then?" He'd whispered back.

"I don't know." Had been the tired reply. "Guess you have to find out."

And with that, he'd been once again left alone .

Now, about two hours and 200 useless websites that had nothing on 'ugly, pink, toad like monsters .' later, Sam was seriously losing his temper.

'There's nothing on creatures like her." He sighted and turned around only to … find his brother dead.

Oh, well, nothing he could do there.

~~~~~~~~~~~reviewwwwwwwww~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dean moaned as his soul was forced into his body by an angry angle that he had somehow pissed while visiting Ash in heaven.

Seriously, all he had done was trying to gank him with his demon killing knife – which wouldn't have even tickled him! – and that son of a bitch had kicked him out of heaven. Stupid, spoiled angles and their 'I'm an angle you lowly human. 'speeches. Cas had reacted muuuuuch better when he had stabbed him the first time they met.

Groaning, he tried to get up only to be stopped by a wave of pain slamming into his body. Damn those winged dicks! Would it kill them to be a little gentler?

Taking a deep breath, he slowly opened his eyes and tried to take a look around without moving too much. He cursed as he realized that he was still in the classroom. Well, at least he couldn't hear the pink bitch rambling.

Good, Gabe had kept his deal.

"…- _ople keep spelling my name as 'Destiel' . "_

Ugh. What NOW?

Dean had just come back from dead. He had practically been _murdered_ –for the 8th time that month - and this was the first words he was going to hear?

 _Destiel_? _**SERIOUSLY**_?

"…-sorry but I have to tell you. Those… _things_ are not the results of any kind of disease- "

' _Believe me man, they are._ ' He thought.

"Oh, it is a disease alright!" another teen muttered. "There's no other way to justify 'Sterek'."

"And, how did _you_ exactly find out what we were talking about?" A tried voice asked.

"I searched the net." He could _see_ the 'duh'

"You searched the net? Are mental conversations between angles and warlocks usually classified as things you can find in a website?"

"I have mad Google skills."

Dean grinned. He already liked this kid.

"See, I don't like those ships any more than any of you do. Like, Johnlock? Really?! " Someone sighted.

"I know, right? I mean why would they pair me with that walking sex machine and sadistic mad-man of all people?"

Oh, so it was a ship war.

"Oh, please Doctor. You have it easy. You're the only one whose fandom's main ship isn't a gay one."

Dean felt the need to interfere "At least they don't ship you with your own fucking brother."

"Weren't you dead, like, one second ago?" A black-haired teen asked him.

"Well, yeah, I came back." remembering something, he turned to his younger brother. "Your girlfriends said hi Sammy."

Sam nodded "Next time tell them I miss them." And after a few seconds the geek finally lifted his head. "Or maybe I should pay them a visit myself? Hm… Let's go piss Lucy and Michael off. That way I can die sometime this week and then chuck will have to bring me back to stop the end of the world. again. "

"Sounds like a plan." He grinned at the taller man.

"Dean." Cas turned to him. "I still do not understand. What is Destiel?"

The hunter groaned. "Ugh, just forget it Cas."

The angle didn't seem that happy with the response. "But I…- "

"It's a combination of your names." The 'mad-google-skills' kid said.

Castiel looked confused. "Why would they combine my name with Dean's? "

"Well, It's not just about names…" The scar guy muttered. "It's -…. well it means you're in a relationship with each other, you know?" and seeing the hunter's look he quickly explained. "Not a real relationship! It just means that your…fans think you'd make a c-cute couple." He looked so uncomfortable that Dean almost felt bad for him.

Cas frowned. "But I still don't understand. What -…"

"Ugh, It's not that hard to get cassie!" Gabe throw his arms up in the air. "See, shipping works like this." And in a blink he was on Sam, grabbing his hair and kissing him.

Sam's eyes grew wide and dean nearly chocked on air. "WHAT THE HELL -"

Gabriel shrugged. "Hey, as Cas's older brother it's my responsibility to give him the talk" He wiggled his eyebrows at Dean. "Besides, you wouldn't want your boyfriend to be so… _uneducated_ , would you?"

Dean just gaped at him.

"I don't understand." Castiel blinked. "Do I have to kiss Sam too?"

"This one is mine." Gabriel scowled at his brother. "You can kiss Dean." He turned to Sam. "And you… You're supposed to be a little more… _dominant_."

"Oh my God," Dean moaned. "Please stop this. now I need to wash my brain with bleach."

"Do you want me to kiss you Dea-"

"HELL NO DUDE."

"So," Crowley – where the hell did he come from?- asked. "Who's next."

"What?" The short blond one blinked.

"If the archangel kisses the moose, you and your boyfriend should at least give us a hug."

"I'M NOT GAY."

"Mine won't be that interesting." Google skills shrugged. "Derek just slams me into a wall and growls in my face or something and it'd be done."

"Neither would be mine." The doctor nodded. "Jack comes. Jack gets naked. Jack tries to flirt with me- It won't be anything new." He pointed to back of the class, where a handsome teenager was busy banging another boy.

"And there's no way I'd kiss Malfoy!"

There was the sound of someone tripping over their feet and falling down the stairs and then a panting, blond teenager came crashing through the door. "It's not like I want to sleep with you either, _Potter_."

"How the hell did he hear you?" Dean asked.

"He always seems to hear me." Potter shrugged.

Crowley turned to Dean. "Looks like it's your turn, squirrel."

"Should I kiss you now Dea-"

"I SAID NO DUDE."

"Oh come on." Gabriel said from Sam's lap. "We did our share, now it's your turn."

Dean glared at him. "You know that all of Sammy's shags die right?"

"Don't worry about me Dean-o" The archangel gave him a shit-eating grin. "I have a doctorate in avoiding death."

"Dean I w-"

"NO CAS." And at the angel's look he sighted. "You know what dude; why don't you just get me some pie? I'm pretty sure that counts as Destiel too."

Cas nodded and vanished.

"You know what Dean," Sam grinned at him. "That was a pretty accurate description of Destiel. Makes me wonder If you've read any fanfics."

"Shut your face Sammy." He said as he bit into his pi

"Hmm… They're right Merlin. You're too light." Said the new wet guy who'd just entered the room. "And I don't need to lift your shirt to count your ribs. They're cutting into my chainmail."

"See that Cas?" He pointed to them. "That's what we call a ' _Merthur_ ' "

I hope you liked it. PlZ leave a review?


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